Beards Are Tough

Wow, has it been a while. Well so much has happened since I wrote my last post, things related to it, beautiful beautiful things. I am thoroughly convinced that I have met the woman that God intended me to be with for the rest of my life. She is diligent follower of the Lord of the universe. She is fun, creative, quirky, has a desire to learn, a beautiful heart, a desire to help others in need, eyes that melt me... and she is gorgeous. She is a constant reminder to me that God can see inside my heart and mind. This wonderful woman is also helping me to become a man. Yes I am a man by definition, and a child at heart, which I would like to maintain... but she challenges me to become a real man. a spiritual leader, someone to who gives and receives respect, a protector, provider, someone that listens and gives advice when needed. She is helping me pick up my petty burdens and lay them at the feet of the almighty. She has also been the brunt of my learning experiences. She has the patience to deal with the lingering boyish tendencies, the failings of my weak flesh, my failed attempts to do things on my own rather than fully relying on God, over-analysis of things which can sometimes destroy the simplicity of things. She knows my flaws and shortcomings yet chooses to remain by my side. I would be a fool not to see how immensely blessed I am for having simply met this woman. Getting to know her has been a joy, and I can not wait to learn even more about her as I get to spend more time. The miles they do haunt and test us, but they also provide opportunities for perseverance and removal of distractions such as physical temptation. I must say that I had come to a point in my life where I felt that I had used up all of my chances of finding a mate, but then God showed me that he had plans for my life that were bigger than me alone... a trip dedicated to serving Christ sure is a wonderful place to meet that someone special. And so, this post is dedicated to the beautiful Amanda Michelle Teune. I know that I am no knight in shining armor, more like a dirty pirate... or a knight in tarnished armor... but I have found my princess and I'd do anything for her.

Ups and Downs

I am blessed. There is really no other way to put it when it comes to describing my life these past three years. God has truly been faithful to me in more ways than I could possibly even attempt to comprehend. It has been my own foolishness and lack of wisdom that has created the "lows." Putting things, even people above Christ has only lead to discontent and heartbreak. and to think at the time I was surprised. yes, no shocker here, but theres the rub. breaking myself and fully letting go. At some point in life I developed a death grip on the things that I care about, people included, but Christ calls us to leave everything to follow him, because he is all we need. Let the dead bury their own dead. In reflection, the reason that I decided to pack up and move to Texas my freshman year was because I wanted to start over. Yes I wanted a clean slate, the ability to reinvent myself and to escape from my past failures. What I discovered was that I really did not change. I became the exact same person I was at home,and I found that had made a mistake in leaving behind the people who cared about me and had helped me through life. The moral of the story, running away doesnt really solve anything, sure its a change of scenery but peace of mind can not be found until you take the time to face problems. Trying to solve things you your own however is also a big FAIL. Christ has really made me feel this one. oh perfect and righteous justice, how you make your presence felt. Some failed relationships have left me scarred, I never was a quick healer, but there is something to be learned from failure, school of hard knocks as it were. I am finally beginning to realize that I do not need to be in a relationship, and I may never be blessed with a spouse. This has not made me depressed or given me a feeling of hopelessness but rather peace has taken the place of heartbreak. feelings of loneliness lead to prayers for my future spouse. And now for some Bradley Hathaway. I want to be loved and have love and give love.

And not just that romantic kind either. Although I am looking for that beauty. Not helpless, but wants to be rescued. The damsel in distress, man, woman, myth, true. I will fight for her, climb the highest tower for her, love her, share with her, delight in her, be her warrior, her protector. She will be my crown and I will be hers. My masculinity will be passed down and affirmed to my sons. And each of my daughters will know they are lovely, and deserving of authentic romance.
RANDOM Something that has been on my mind lately is the stark contrast between the phrases "live one day at a time" and "the farsighted see better things" where is the line between living for the day because tomorrow is not promised and planning ahead?

The Better Way

So where am I now? I'm still rolling... just like my truck, things break, get fixed and life goes on... hey I may not be the most fuel efficient or pretty thing but I still get the job done... I may not have the biggest fastest motor but I can still get along just fine on the highway. Motorsports are just my thing... Ill probably end up doing something involving motor vehicles when I finally graduate and am flung headlong into the abyss that is today's society, out of the shelter of a Christian college and my friends that are so quick to pick me up when I need it. Well I guess they will still be there, but not full time. I cant have someone holding my hand after all but I digress. What are some things that truly bother me? betrayal... that is one thing that seems to torment me again and again, but why? do I set myself up for it or is it just something that happens to people that Ive been oblivious to... why to some people fall off... how do you create loyalty? Is there a better way to live that I am ignoring? probably... I can be rather selfish and that is a large block when it comes to building relationships.

Its been said that emotions are a sign of weakness. Instinct is something that takes over when emotions fail. It is designed to protect and preserve life, but at a cost. Intstinct creates focus, clarity to keep the mind at bay... This drive for accomplishment works wonders for large assignments and burdens, youll have them done before you know it... ah.. but thats the cost then isnt it. memories. when instinct kicks in... memory kicks out. sure work gets done. but how did it get done. how useful is life when we cant remember living it.

context is supposed to be one of my strengths... the ability to analyze past situations and apply them to the present. why is it then that my failures always seem to be repetitious. what kind of strength is also a weakness? is this a mistake... or an outfitting of stronger armor. is my steel being heated and quenched to create a more durable variety able to withstand much stronger blows. i guess only time will tell

I dont feel like im waiting for something anymore. im just walking. occasionally climbing. occasionally falling and rolling a bit.. but thats part of growing up... which im not really looking forward too.. because being a kid was easy. heck. it still is.

Lets try this again.

So this is my second attempt at a blog. My first was the everpresent myspace, which I deleted due to lack of usage which unfortunately resulted in the loss of some important thought. Thats what rash decisions get you I suppose. Anyways, for anyone who dares to treat the waters of my thoughs I give this disclaimer that I am a much better writer than speaker and can be dangerous, but I am not one to steward animosity or attack people.